The Commonwealth of Massachusetts vs. Me

When I first thought about trying my hand at food writing, I figured I'd be jotting down the same sort of musings that Molly Wizenberg shares in her blog, Orangette (I'm providing the link, but that doesn't mean you should start reading it instead of Umami). Soon after the blog's launch, a cool-yet-adorable food-loving musician from New York would read my oh-so-clever and delicious posts and leave everything behind for me. Within the year, I'd write about the hors d'oeuvres served at our wedding by the sea. Almost immediately afterward I'd surprise my dozens, no, hundreds, of followers with the news that I'd been hired to write a monthly food column for a national magazine. Next would come the book deal, and then my new husband (who lo and behold is a chef as well!) would open a trendy pizza restaurant. We’d agonize over ovens and dough and imported peppers and cheese, but it would only bring us closer together.

Nothing of the sort has happened to either Mara or me since we started Umami. We may agonize over cheese, but that’s where the similarities end.

Life does go on, though, and things do happen. Just not those sorts of things. But last Thursday, I did have a memoir-worthy experience. I was arraigned. In a court of law. I have to admit that I still don’t know what “arraigned” actually means. I should ask my lawyer, but, since I pay him a hefty hourly fee, the two-minute answer would probably cost me 100 bucks.

Normally on a Thursday morning, I get out of bed, take my kid to school, and head off to work, maybe humming a jaunty tune. Perhaps something by Lady GaGa. On this particular Thursday I took my kid to school, lied about where I was going, and headed to the Roxbury District Courthouse to meet my attorney. After listening to a string of other people’s traffic infractions (for which, again, I was being charged at an hourly rate), I heard the words I never thought I'd hear in my life:

The Commonwealth of Massachusetts vs. Janetta S_________

Really? The whole Commonwealth? I darted my eyes around the room looking for Ashton Kutcher. I’m still looking.

Two-and-a-half years ago, someone hit my parked car and didn’t leave a note. And, even though I paid my bills on time every month, Hanover Insurance (I spit at the name) didn’t think that was enough. They refused to pay my claim and got all CSI on me, regaling me with stories of forensic evidence and my alleged duplicity. So, I cried and I cried, and I paid the freaking $3500 to have my car fixed. And I never really got over the unfairness of it all.


Jump forward to 2010, and I’m in court – being prosecuted for insurance fraud and plotting to commit a crime. I’d love to explain how this happened, but I really don’t understand it enough to jot that particular musing down. I do plot, but not about crimes – mostly just about which friends I’m going to invite over on the weekend and what I’m going to cook.

The arraignment only lasted a minute or two. My lawyer informed the court that I was “not guilty,” (another $100), and we settled on a date for the “pre-trial" (whatever that means). It was easy enough, but it was only the beginning, so I didn't have the best day. I stayed home from work and went to yoga and made dinner. The good news is that when you're not having the best day, you can still have the best tacos. So, if you have to go to court and the entire Commonwealth is against you, make these. You’ll feel better. A margarita or two wouldn’t hurt either.


The Best Tacos
a recipe in my head based on one I read in Cook's Illustrated several years ago

For meat filling:

1 T canola oil
1 lb ground beef
3/4 c diced onion
3 cloves garlic, chopped
2 T chili powder
1 T ground cumin
1 T ground coriander
1 T apple cider vinegar
1 T brown sugar
1/2 c tomato sauce
1/2 c chicken broth

For shells:

10 corn tortillas
a lot of canola oil

First make the shells:

Heat about 3/4 c of canola in a small frying pan – it's hot enough when a corner of tortilla dipped in the oil makes it bubble. With tongs, gently place one half of the tortilla in the oil, keeping it submerged while folding the un-submerged half into a taco shell shape. When the bottom half is golden brown, use tongs to flip and continue to shape. It may take some practice, but the ones that don't work out can be crumbled on top of a taco salad. Drain on paper towels. Repeat for remaining shells.



Heat 1 T oil in pan, add onion and cook until translucent. Add garlic and spices and cook for a minute more, until fragrant. Add ground beef and sauté, breaking up meat, until brown. Add broth, tomato sauce, brown sugar, and vinegar and simmer until thickened, about 10 minutes. Meat filling can be made several hours in advance and reheated.

Fill shells w meat filling and accompany w any or all of the following toppings (in no particular order, although there's a reason that the guacamole is listed first):

Guacamole
Sour Cream
Hot sauce
Grated Cheese
Olives (I prefer green w pimentos, or the ones they sell at Trader Joe's stuffed with garlic. Canned black ones are okay too, I guess)
Scallions
Salsa
Tomatoes
Shredded Lettuce (not my personal fave, but some people like it)



A bowl filled with the perfect antidote to the courthouse blues. Enjoy.